Condependence, Intuition, This, That and The Other

I feel like my back is up against a wall right now and I really hate this feeling. Truly hate it. Is it just my stubborn nature rebelling against settling down? I read somewhere that many women aren’t meant to be tamed but instead, need somebody wild to run through life with them. That is pretty much my life story because I love the feeling of being free, of having a full life, of going where I please and of living each day to the fullest. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in compromise and I certainly believe in monogamy. I am willing to compromise with my husband but I am not willing to have my potential be limited or trapped in a box.  Love needs to be given and taken freely. Potential needs to be used.

There are two kinds of relationships. The first is one where partners remain independent individuals with mutual love and respect for one another. They schedule their lives similar to the way they did when they were single, utilizing free time to work on their dreams and to make an impact on the world. The second kind of relationship is one where two people meld together, spending the majority of their time together,ect, ect.  Where the relationship is actually “the big dream” and takes sole priority. They come home every night, eat dinner, watch tv, are comfortable and feel secure.  I have always known I was destined for more than that kind of life. I was not created to simply to be comfortable.

I am destined to live an extremely busy and full life; to feel like I have conquered the world at the end of every day.  For my life to function, I also need to also be with someone who is just as driven, busy and independent as I am, who is ok with me not always having a lot of time. I want a relationship where we both come and go as we please but look forward to being together when we can.  Even if we are apart all day, at the end of the night, we crawl into bed together and that’s enough on some days. We just cherish the time we have together and make time where we can. He doesn’t miss me after only being apart for 8 hours. I need to be with someone who is completely self-sufficient, someone who doesn’t “need” me, but “wants” me.

This man doesn’t need me to entertain him because his life is already full…he knows how to entertain himself and knows how to fill up his free time. He enjoys alone time and doesn’t get bored and restless after five minutes.  If I were to be with a codependent person instead of the man that I just described, I would be sacrificing the lifestyle I love and could honestly never be happy.  Many people live like this, using codependence to feel less empty. I choose to fill up my spaces with dreams, God, work and adventures. Love is an amazing bonus to all of that.  

Ladies, I will always always say, TRUST YOUR INTUITION. Even if it makes sense to no one else, DO NOT try to rationalize your way out of a gut feeling. You may not be able to put your gut feeling into words at the time but when you know someone is wrong for you, you just know. You could be marrying a man that meets all of the qualifications you wrote on your “theoretical checklist” but if something feels off, it probably is. God gave you intuition for a reason. Use it. What ends up happening with me is that, I try to convince myself that my gut feeling is wrong but over time, that feeling only gets stronger. Eventually, I have to say “I knew this person was wrong for me in the beginning & time has only made the truth more clear". By this point,emotions are usually involved and somebody gets hurt. 

It's unfortunate but Luckily, We Live and we Learn. 

So Please. Trust God. Trust Yourself. Trust your Body. It doesn’t lie.

The Art of Survival: For Two

This entry comes from a place of deep respect for the institution of home life and is inspired by the fact that I was created by two loving parents who against all odds have made their marriage work. The dissolution of the family unit is something that has been plaguing me lately as I see so many long term marriages crumbling. I’m not talking about legalism, religious beliefs or morality even. I’m raising issue with people who are losing hope in something beautiful and simply giving up. “Marriage shouldn’t be work”. These are ordinary words but they couldn’t be more wrong.

So let’s talk about the past. I can only speak from my personal experience with life and its constantly revolving door.  Life is like a hall of mirrors, my choices have been made based on perception and that perception hasn’t always been accurate. I married someone who I perceived to be everything that I ever wanted. It all seemed logical. Underneath the preconceived notions we had of one-another's perfection, something between us didn’t add up. There was a layer that didn’t fit. Just like that hall of mirrors, however, you see it and it makes sense so why wouldn’t you believe what you see?

When we got married, I took the idea into my relationship that if there were moments where we we fell out of love, there were also steps I could take to recover what was lost. I rested in that little fact. I felt at peace about that because underneath everything, I knew that life would throw curveballs and we would, inevitably get off track and have to regain our bearings. So when we fell off track, I wasn’t surprised because I felt assured that it would be “no time” before the train got back to happily chugging. My partner wasn’t on the same page. Bing Boom Pow Splat! The train went from being slightly off the rails to catapulting off the bridge and into the ravine. 

So not everyone knows what to do when things go awry and that’s ok. We were all raised differently. Some of us run away and give up, some of us stay and fight and others try to block out the chaos and just live amongst it. Perhaps “defeatists” should marry “defeatists” and get divorced when things go wrong and “fighters” should marry “fighters” and remain solid under pressure. Or perhaps everyone is capable of changing from a defeatist into a warrior depending on the situation and its magnitude?

My question is this: does the root of relational failure stem from our own selfishness? Are we just thinking about what we stand to gain instead of what we could contribute to our partners? Generation after generation, we are turning more into consumers than cultivators. A common thought process seems to be “if you stop fulfilling MY happiness and MY needs, you are no longer of use to ME”. Maybe if we spent more time focusing on our partner’s lives, we would be less dissatisfied with our own. If couples focused more on serving God and each other, they will be less concerned with their own unhappiness. It may not seem like much but that’s a good place to start.

So yes, I am disappointed in the dissolution of the family unit, mainly because the kids involved get confused having to see mom and dad dating random people. Children are shuffled from home to home and many just stop knowing where their place is in the world. They become the outsiders; those who are misunderstood. They are the ones that I wish I could protect from the hard truths of life. Many of you have attained the exact things I want out of life: A spouse, beautiful children and a great career. But when do we ever obtain enough to be fulfilled? Maybe if seems as though you were thrown into it having a family and if it wasn’t your choice, I’m truly sorry. I hate that anybody has to live an undesirable life or to feel like happiness is out of their reach.

Yes I am an advocate for marriage. Yes, I am also a divorcee’. It’s a conundrum!
I know firsthand that sometimes, you just have to call a spade a spade and get out of a bad situation and I can’t begin to know what any of you go through in your marriages. We are all human. We all make mistakes. That’s why we are so lucky to have a God that forgives.  Everyone deserves to be happy and if you have already tried adjusting your attitude, counseling and serving your spouse to the fullest, then I’m sure you’ve already made a valiant effort.

Reading success stories of long-term married couples has always helped me. It can’t hurt to steal a few secrets! In the end, if you do end up divorced, at least you will know that you went out fighting for something bigger and God will too. Kudos to those who put their best foot forward. My heart goes out to you.

The Theatrics Behind my Tattoo

"The Seagull"
BY Anton Chekhov
Nina is an actress. She has returned after a few years to the home of her ex-boyfriend, (Kostya), a writer. She tells him how she spent the years away from him.Why do you say you kiss the ground I walk on? I ought to be killed. I'm so tired, Kostya! If I could only rest... rest. I am the seagull... No, that's not it. I'm an actress! It doesn't matter. So he's here, too! It doesn't matter! He didn't believe in the theatre, he laughed at my dreams, and little by little, I stopped believing myself. I lost heart. And always the strains of love, jealousy, constant fear for the child...I became trivial, and commonplace, I acted without thinking or feeling... I didn't know what to do with my hands, I couldn't move properly, or control my voice. You can't imagine what it's like to know you're acting badly! I am a seagull. Do you remember the seagull you shot? You left it at my feet, he came to me and said, "I had an idea. A subject for a short story. A girl, like yourself, lives all her life on the shores of a lake. She loves the lake, like a seagull... But a man comes along, by chance, and, because he has nothing better to do, destroys her..."
What was I talking about, before? I - Yes, about acting. I'm not like that anymore. I'm a real actress now! I act with delight, with rapture. I feel drunk when I'm onstage and think that I am wonderful. Ever since I got here, I've been walking around, walking around and thinking, thinking and even believing that my soul grows stronger every day. Now I see at last, Kostya, that in our kind of work, whether we're writers or actors, the important thing is not fame, or glory, not what I used to dream about, but learning how to endure. I must bear my cross, and have faith. If I have faith, it doesn't hurt so much, and when I think of my calling I'm not afraid of life.
When you see him, don't tell him anything... I do love him, yes, I love him more than ever... "By chance. A subject for a short story."How sweet it used to be, Kostya! Remember? How bright, and warm, how joyous and pure our lives were! And the feelings we had for each other were like fine, delicate flowers! Do you remember?

To Be Catholic...or Not To Be Catholic?

I’ve been off of facebook for at least a week now and I can safely say that it’s one of the best things I have ever done. It has become apparent that I share too much with the outside world. On the contrary, I also hold the belief that sometimes, outsiders DO need to hear the imperfect, nitty, gritty truth. So I’ll be picking and choosing my battles in future.

Lately, maintaining faith has been a constant battle for me. Most agnostics say that they don’t assign themselves to any one religion, however, I have never been an agnostic. I have also never done anything “half-way”. I spent the majority of 2012-2013 becoming Catholic, a year-long initiation process that involved learning about the churches’ detailed practices And traditions. I truly enjoyed every minute of it. Since moving to Missouri, however, my relationship with God has become stale like old potatoes. I have tried 5 Catholic churches, none of which have felt like home. Being previously so passionate about the Catholic Faith and not wanting to just throw it away, I have struggled with the obstacle of truly not enjoying church. My faith life isn’t growing and I have become deeply discouraged.

Many people say that “God calls us to grow where we are planted and we should just stay put. Instead of looking to be fed by the church, we should be working to feed the church”. I agree with this to a certain extent. I feel when deciding on a church home, each person still has the right to search for a place that suits them before “planting and feeding”. Church should be a place that inspires you, teaches you and pushes you to grow in community with others..but No church is perfect.

What I’ve realized is that due to my own stubbornness and resistance to embrace a home in a nondenominational environment, my relationship with the Lord has grown weak. Mass feels unenjoyable to the extent where I literally have just stopped going. I had to take a hard long look in the mirror to realize that I was idolizing my religion more than the Lord himself.

Today I went to Bloom church for the first time. I felt connected, open, safe and embraced. Do I still “want” to be Catholic? You bet I do. Guaranteed that if I was at my Church in California, my heart would still be on fire for mass. But I’m not.. and I have to adapt and go where God is leading me. So many of us get stuck in conformity, trying to label ourselves as one denomination or another but we forget that we all worship the same God. It is really all about finding a place where we can serve God best and connect with like-minded people.

So what am I now? I don’t really have the answer for that. I am a Jesus lover who really enjoys the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church but fits better at a place like bloom. I am a wanderer searching for answers. The great news is that, there really is no “right” answer and I thank God for that.

Acting Married Without Being Married

I had a conversation tonight that I feel like I need to share. 
Maybe some of you have felt this way but like me, didn't know how to put it into words. So, as the discussion goes,"last night, I said a prayer to God. I prayed 'teach me how to act married without actually being married'".

I don't have any regrets about getting divorced, however, I can honestly say that I miss the way that being married made me feel and act. I was a good person; a whole person. With the romantic portion of my life settled, I had time and energy to focus on the things that really mattered: things like family and being good to others. There was a sort of purity about it and with that, joy. 

What is leftover is the unsettled element that goes with being single. Perhaps my home life is lacking because I have no family close by. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that the ups and downs of dating can distract a person from the things that really matter in life. You get put off-course. So how do we act married (aka, pure of heart,fulfilled,and generally undistracted/undistressed) without actually being married?

I wish I had the answer but I am sure it has a lot to do with God. It has occurred to me lately that I have been filling my self up with "nighttime activities" instead of "daytime activities". What falls under the category of nighttime activities? Glad you asked! That would be:

-Interactions with people while you are drinking or while they are drinking (not based in realism)
-Indulging in anything that seems ok at nighttime but you wouldn't ordinarily do in the day time
-Having fun rather than helping other people or working toward your dreams

It seems like the nighttime will pump you up temporarily but it's the things that happen in the daytime, in the light, that build us up long-term. The Bible tells us that anything done is secrecy is done in darkness unless you bring it to the light. So if we are going to do a comparison, how are daytime activities going to help us act more married? Well, when you were married, did you focus more on creating a tangible home life than on partying and seeking validation? I know I did. So lets think about what the "light" brings to the table:

-A sense of confidence and clarity because you are having genuine interactions with people...without alcohol
-You ultimately receive what you put out into the world.
-More time to focus on accomplishing goals and fulfilling dreams. Lets face it, no one ever accomplished their dreams by kicking back and having fun every night

I am writing this because I am trying to figure life out on paper, not because I have all the answers. I am realizing more and more that the qualities I want to project into the world haven't been matching up with my actions. I don't know about you but I think I will try to become a daytime person for awhile?...lets see how that goes!

L.O.V.E. and WomanHood

Sometimes I don’t know what it means to be a woman. Does it mean guarding yourself? Protecting your relationships like a lioness defending her territory? Or does it mean being vulnerable and wearing your heart on your sleeve? I think it means something different for each of us but too often we punish ourselves for being different. Different is how we were made. Different is how we were meant to be. I don’t typically sit around twirling my hair around my finger like a princess. I don’t always have shaved legs or painted toes even but I know that I’m beautiful. I know this because I am passionate about many things that have nothing to do with exterior.  I am also superbly passionate about love. Who needs painted toes when you have love? And when love is true, you don’t feel the need to try so hard to put on a perfect face. You can just be whoever, whatever you are. Love makes everything easy. Loving yourself is even better. Loving others is a rush of euphoria. Some people in this world just have a way of making you feel supremely beautiful. Your personality blossoms like a flower. You feel you can succeed at almost anything. What could be better? That’s real love. That’s what I’ve had. That's what I expect. That’s what I want again...

Religion, The Man Upstairs and LIFE in General

 

Ok
I’ll Admit it
I’m confused Confused about the step that God wants me to take next.


I am getting so much input from outside sources that it’s become like radio static. Every person is saying something different. Typically, I would be so bold as to say, “I listen to advice because I believe it comes from a higher power”. Right now however, I don’t think that’s the case. At this single, solitary moment, I crave the need to tune everyone out and just listen to GOD.

The truth is that I already know what I want out of life.
I know where I want my life to go but my wants have not always been "his" wants.  
My wants are not always the right wants to have. I want to make beautiful art through photography, both shooting and modelling.

I want to be a good daughter, friend, neighbor and some day, a wife and a mother. I want to seek stability in things that are real and strong and true, not in things that are fleeting and immediate. I want to stop seeking satisfaction and just be satisfied with each moment. I want to love and be loved boldly, both by my God, myself and others. I want to lie in the sun as the willows touch my skin on a sunny day and listen to the cicadas (YES!). I want to have adventures, new experiences and be flexible to change without getting overly attached to “the way things are”. I want to live my life surrounded by music, fading into every experience, every song.

The trouble is that a lot of Christians will tell you that you can’t truly succeed in any of these areas unless you are %100 saved… but let me tell you..being saved takes time. If you sit around waiting for a perfect relationship with Christ, you are going to miss out on the blessings he has in store for you in the meantime.  Nothing is perfect. Don’t ever ever ever toss aside your dreams waiting for a “perfect” relationship with Christ when you can embrace the relationship you have with him right this second.

 

Truth be told, I have always been a “leap over the edge and give it a try” kind of a person. This is one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest weaknesses. I can imagine it frightens people who don’t like to “leap” but if “diving in” means getting hurt when I fall, that’s ok with me. Intensity is one of life’s many adventures and you don’t always know what is right for you…and what isn’t..  until you try.

True Story