The Art of Survival: For Two

This entry comes from a place of deep respect for the institution of home life and is inspired by the fact that I was created by two loving parents who against all odds have made their marriage work. The dissolution of the family unit is something that has been plaguing me lately as I see so many long term marriages crumbling. I’m not talking about legalism, religious beliefs or morality even. I’m raising issue with people who are losing hope in something beautiful and simply giving up. “Marriage shouldn’t be work”. These are ordinary words but they couldn’t be more wrong.

So let’s talk about the past. I can only speak from my personal experience with life and its constantly revolving door.  Life is like a hall of mirrors, my choices have been made based on perception and that perception hasn’t always been accurate. I married someone who I perceived to be everything that I ever wanted. It all seemed logical. Underneath the preconceived notions we had of one-another's perfection, something between us didn’t add up. There was a layer that didn’t fit. Just like that hall of mirrors, however, you see it and it makes sense so why wouldn’t you believe what you see?

When we got married, I took the idea into my relationship that if there were moments where we we fell out of love, there were also steps I could take to recover what was lost. I rested in that little fact. I felt at peace about that because underneath everything, I knew that life would throw curveballs and we would, inevitably get off track and have to regain our bearings. So when we fell off track, I wasn’t surprised because I felt assured that it would be “no time” before the train got back to happily chugging. My partner wasn’t on the same page. Bing Boom Pow Splat! The train went from being slightly off the rails to catapulting off the bridge and into the ravine. 

So not everyone knows what to do when things go awry and that’s ok. We were all raised differently. Some of us run away and give up, some of us stay and fight and others try to block out the chaos and just live amongst it. Perhaps “defeatists” should marry “defeatists” and get divorced when things go wrong and “fighters” should marry “fighters” and remain solid under pressure. Or perhaps everyone is capable of changing from a defeatist into a warrior depending on the situation and its magnitude?

My question is this: does the root of relational failure stem from our own selfishness? Are we just thinking about what we stand to gain instead of what we could contribute to our partners? Generation after generation, we are turning more into consumers than cultivators. A common thought process seems to be “if you stop fulfilling MY happiness and MY needs, you are no longer of use to ME”. Maybe if we spent more time focusing on our partner’s lives, we would be less dissatisfied with our own. If couples focused more on serving God and each other, they will be less concerned with their own unhappiness. It may not seem like much but that’s a good place to start.

So yes, I am disappointed in the dissolution of the family unit, mainly because the kids involved get confused having to see mom and dad dating random people. Children are shuffled from home to home and many just stop knowing where their place is in the world. They become the outsiders; those who are misunderstood. They are the ones that I wish I could protect from the hard truths of life. Many of you have attained the exact things I want out of life: A spouse, beautiful children and a great career. But when do we ever obtain enough to be fulfilled? Maybe if seems as though you were thrown into it having a family and if it wasn’t your choice, I’m truly sorry. I hate that anybody has to live an undesirable life or to feel like happiness is out of their reach.

Yes I am an advocate for marriage. Yes, I am also a divorcee’. It’s a conundrum!
I know firsthand that sometimes, you just have to call a spade a spade and get out of a bad situation and I can’t begin to know what any of you go through in your marriages. We are all human. We all make mistakes. That’s why we are so lucky to have a God that forgives.  Everyone deserves to be happy and if you have already tried adjusting your attitude, counseling and serving your spouse to the fullest, then I’m sure you’ve already made a valiant effort.

Reading success stories of long-term married couples has always helped me. It can’t hurt to steal a few secrets! In the end, if you do end up divorced, at least you will know that you went out fighting for something bigger and God will too. Kudos to those who put their best foot forward. My heart goes out to you.